Where's My Mask???

I feel the need to blog, to write what I'm thinking down... but I can't.

It's not that I don't know what I'm thinking about, I know precisely, but I can't explain it and I'm terrified of it.  It's that situation again where I'm terrified of acting upon it, but also terrified of not acting upon it. I keep telling myself that I can't control any of this... but I know that I can control parts of it.  I'm controlling the urge to scream out loud, to ransack by room, to hurt myself... and I'm controlling my feelings of delight, joy... actual happiness because I don't want to let on how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about.

I've lost the mask I once wore. The metaphorical mask that protected me from emotions and I'm struggling to find it again. Part of me wants to but a larger part of me knows that I shouldn't and that, maybe it wasn't the losing of the mask but having the mask in the first place that has made me like this.

Circles.  I'm sorry.

Stay Strong
Michael