I Have A Secret...

"Secrets protect us. Secrets make us safe."

We all keep secrets, but who do we keep them from? Do we keep them from other people because we're scared of the effects and we want to protect them, or do we keep them from ourselves, to protect us?

Either way, we keep things from people.  I know I have done and still do, partly because I don't think anyone else is interested but partly because I want to protect people. Some things are best left unsaid, even though everyone knows what the truth is. With no confirmation, we can believe what we like even though everyone know differently.

I have a secret... many secrets...

Stay Strong
Michael

I'm Regenerating!

I've never really been one to care about how I look. I leave my hair how it comes, put the first clothes I can see in my cupboards and draws on and, in general, I have a care free attitude.  I've always thought inner beauty is much more important than outer. It now seems that the latter is more important to people.

Suddenly, I feel really insecure about how people see me on the outside.  Part of me wants to lock myself away, never to see the light of day. I've felt this before and it's bizarre as it was when similar events have happened to me in the past.

 So, like the Doctor, I'm going to regenerate, but not in the same way. I'm not going to change how I look, how I dress, or how I act.  I am my biggest critic and if I can cope with how I am, then so can others. And if they don't like this me, then it is their lose. People should be impressed and grow to love who you are, not what you are.

I'm not going to change because of some comments made to me.  Yes, I have considered it in the past and yes, I know I'm not the best looking or best dressed guy around, but I really don't want to be.  I'm just going to reinstate my care-free nature and not worry about such things.  Yes, I'm still insecure about myself physically, but I know that I am great on the inside.  People wouldn't be my friends if I wasn't. I'm not a burden to them.

This is me.  I have my faults, my imperfections, but I do have some great qualities of my own. I am unique and you'll never come across another person like me. I know that sounds corny, but it's true. No one has ever, is ever or will ever be like me.  Just because I have certain traits of other people, doesn't mean that I am that person.

"I can be my own person and not be a burden. The voices no longer spew out their poisons to me" - Alex (from the musical I'm working on)

"I don't want to go" - David Tennant (as the Doctor)

Stay Strong
Michael

A Little Support

I'm not going to give up.  Neither on you or myself.

There is so much life still left to live for us all and giving up this early would be a a completely absurd idea.  You've never given up on me, and I certainly will not give up on you, no matter what the circumstances are, have been and yet to be.

Remember that you have great people around you and that I will be with you every step of the way.

Rawr.

Stay Strong
Michael

Some Truth

One thing I hate having done to me is people quoting me back to me. Sometimes this is because I laugh at my own words and at the fact that someone has actually listened to them and taken them on board. Other times it's because I realise how comforting my own words can be and take pride in another person realising how comforting they are, using them for their own comfort, and then saying them to me to comfort me.

Every blog entry (bar one because I got eaten by a monster in that blog) ends with the words "Stay Strong".  I seem to be using this more and more in every day life to others and to myself, and others are using it.  It's easy to forget how great and special we all are. Every life is unique... and brilliant. YOU are brilliant and fantastic and amazing and... the list is endless.

I know that "Stay Strong" can mean a lot of different things, but I thought I'd give an insight into why I say it.  I started blogging because I needed a way to express myself. My thoughts, feelings and emotions.  This is really hard to do when you want to say things to specific people whilst keeping in mind that there are people who read online blogs who have no idea who you are. I'm finding myself to be at the lowest point in my life yet, in a way, I feel good about life. I feel the most alone that I ever have, yet I find myself having the best friend imaginable and a great group of friends and people I can talk to.  I have huge swings between being this over-confident guy who'd talk anything to this guy who practically given up on being successful in any aspect of life.  I seem to be a person who helps others, just not himself.

I could never do something for me, not even the smallest thing. Even making tea. I have to make tea for a group of people, not just myself. I live to impress others.  My biggest fear is not not being able to pass exams, not getting through a good university or not getting a decent job. Those things don't matter to me. My biggest fear is not having someone to impress, to want to impress. Someone who I can dedicate my life to, and everything that I do.  It is then that I'd care about getting a well paid job and being successful, but not for me, for them.

I guess that I should listen to me more, and you should do the same.  Read back on things you have written, remember conversations. You might just learn something from yourself. We learn from our own mistakes, but we also learn from our successes.

That's all I'm going to say right now because I'm not feeling my best (I am actually ill) and I'm not sure what else I can say. So...

Stay Strong
Michael

A Trilogy of Blogs

This blog comes in three parts: an apology/notice, some advice, and a message/reminder.

Part 1

I just wanted to say that blogs might be few and far between in the coming months.  Most of this is due to exams and me having to focus on revising for the multitude of maths exams that I have to sit, but also partly because I don't have much to say, certainly not at the moment.

I've always wanted my blog to express me, to express what I think and feel about the world, but I find myself struggling to express myself in the real world, let alone in a written blog.  A lot of what I'm thinking about is way too personal for a public blog and, to be honest, I'm not making much sense of it and have internal battles to fight before I do make sense of them.

I've also wanted my blog to entertain, but I really doubt that I am doing. I'm not entertaining anyone at the moment. My music writing has dried up and whenever I try to do anything creative, I lose the heart. I've always said that creative things have to come from the heart, but I guess that I don't know where my heart lies right now.

I like to impress people, and to impress myself... but I'm not.  I'm not proud of who I've become. I'm throwing work away because I'm not proud of it.  Parts of me have never been better. I relate to different emotions much more clearly and can portray them, and I like the idea of that.  But a huge part of me feels alone and empty and I need some time to work out what it is I'm missing. I think I know, but if it is what I think it is then it's no way near fixable as easy as I'd like it to be.  I guess that I'm just not good enough, even though people say that I am. To contradict myself and all my previous messages, the words are meaningless.

Part 2

As I have mentioned a little bit already, I am taking a revision break. I really need to get my head down for these exams and so, I'm cutting a lot of things out of my life, some of which really represent me. I shall be a robot for the next few months.

The advice I want to give is about revision. Everyone has different ways of revising. I know that I'm an 'active' reviser meaning that I have to have a short term goal for each revision sessions. Reading a textbook doesn't work for me. I need to create flash cards, answer questions and, if I do need to just read things, go for a walk. Walks are very refreshing and I much prefer reading on the move than just in my room.  I have to be active and hands on in everything I do. Actively doing something, even making mistakes, is much more helpful than reading about how to do it.

Try out your own ways of revising.  I find a different way for each subject helps, but that's easier said than done if you have a large number of subjects that you need to revise for. In that case, may I suggest different locations? Sometimes remembering a location as part of your revision helps, say if you did History in the garden and then Biology in the living room. I'm a firm believe of locational memory... I've spoken about that in the past.

Part 3

My little message is, don't forget me.  I'm still around and human if you ever need someone to talk to.  I'm still contactable in the normal ways, although watch out if you contact me on my mobile phone as a) it's not really working very well and, b) I might be getting a new one with a new number but I shall tell you if that is the case.


No doubt I'll be back with a blog or two whilst I'm still revising. I'm just scared of sharing anything too personal that might upset people or make situations worse.

Stay Strong
Michael

Where's My Mask???

I feel the need to blog, to write what I'm thinking down... but I can't.

It's not that I don't know what I'm thinking about, I know precisely, but I can't explain it and I'm terrified of it.  It's that situation again where I'm terrified of acting upon it, but also terrified of not acting upon it. I keep telling myself that I can't control any of this... but I know that I can control parts of it.  I'm controlling the urge to scream out loud, to ransack by room, to hurt myself... and I'm controlling my feelings of delight, joy... actual happiness because I don't want to let on how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking about.

I've lost the mask I once wore. The metaphorical mask that protected me from emotions and I'm struggling to find it again. Part of me wants to but a larger part of me knows that I shouldn't and that, maybe it wasn't the losing of the mask but having the mask in the first place that has made me like this.

Circles.  I'm sorry.

Stay Strong
Michael

And... Relax

I need to relax and stop stressing. I know that. I've been extremely stressed of late and I know that I will be even more so in the coming weeks and months as I prepare for my A-level exams which I desperately need to do well in if I want to have any chance of getting into University.  I've started revising a little bit and will be spending most of this week in college, even though it is the Easter holidays. I just need to finish off a load of coursework and go along to revision sessions.

With all this and all my current musical commitments and musical commitments I aspire to be involved in and plan to be involved in, some form of social life that I apparently have and still trying to sort things out in my head, my life is quite full... and stressful.

Trick is to try and relax, find something that relaxes me. Usually when I'm stressed, I'll play the piano, but that is sometimes the reason for stressing out, especially if I'm overworking myself with composing and performing. However, I think I've found my solution... listening to music.

I'm not a great listener of music other than listening to the music I play. I don't have an iPod and I don't buy the albums of the latest artists or even artists that I like. My solution comes in the form of Jamie Cullum, an amazing jazz-pop singer-songwriter pianist who is absolutely amazing!!! As I write this I'm listening to the BBC Proms he did in 2010 with the Heritage Orchestra (one of my favourite orchestras who also worked with Tim Minchin on his latest tour). It's absolutely brilliant and very easy to listen to.  Helpfully, it's also 90 minutes long so I don't have to keep changing songs every 5 minutes on Youtube. I'll link you to it because I think it's amazing and extremely relaxing, along with having some great comic performing moments from Jamie Cullum and awesome orchestrations and improvised solos! Featuring love songs, break up songs and a song about being a lost twenty year old, this show has everything! It even has Jamie Cullum slowly undressing himself...! In one word... Fantastic!

I feel I'll be listening to this a lot over the coming months!

Stay Strong
Michael