I'm Scared...

I don't know what to do. I've tried writing this for days... weeks even, which is apt considering the topic.

I can't express myself, at all.  I try, I really do. I really want to be able to. It might make me happier, more successful.  Thing is, when I get asked a question, I crumble, the words escape me and I hide.  I hide from the truth because the truth scares me. I'm terrified of my thoughts feelings and emotions because I've seen and experienced how they affect other people, how they affect me.

It doesn't matter how often I play out the conversation in my head, I just can't say the words that I pre-planned.  "Maybe you should put them in a song", I hear you say, but I've tried that.  I've performed songs for people about them, about how I feel for them. I have one on my shelf right now that I wrote ages ago but never performed. The person doesn't know it exists but it's there alright, and I have the urge to perform it now... I want to play it to them, but I can't.

I guess I can be extremely sentimental.  I feel that you can have emotional attachments to objects, songs... most couples have 'a song'.  Whenever I write a song, especially if it's about someone, it will always be about that person, even if situations change.  Whenever I walk around town, different places remind me of different things.  I know it's a bit silly but I could do a guided tour and show you my version of my town. I could show you where a friend spilled a drink, everywhere I've sat with different people and what we talked about, the places I've kissed someone... where I've been dumped. And I look at those places and remember... and cry a little. I never used to cry but I do it a lot more recently.

And I guess that's all I can do to express myself. I can't talk about it, I can't tell people how I feel no matter how much I want to or how much they want me to say it.  The simple things hold the biggest meaning and are hardest to say.  I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. I often wonder what my life would be like if I was more decisive, if I was more selfish... but I can't be because that is not me. Everyone else comes first. Other people's happiness is far more important than my own and I will do anything to make other people happy, even if it means I suffer because something good is around the corner, right? Karma and all that. The idea that good and selfless deeds are rewarded, even if they aren't rewarded until the next life...

Stay Strong
Michael