Complexities, Cups and Comfort

Decisions are a complex thing to make.  I think our human nature makes these things difficult, but that's natural. We all want things for ourselves yet at the same time we don't want to tread on others toes... to hurt other people.

I've come to a decision because I'm hurting many people. I'm hurting friends, family, me and, above all, the one person I don't want to be hurting, so I need to move on.  I'm not going to lie, the last few months have been hell for me but, would I change them for the world? Probably not. I've learned a lot about me and who I am as a person. I've discovered new things about me, some of which I will embrace, others that I will look towards changing.

There's a reason why things are happening to me right now, that's what I believe. They will make me stronger, more caring and an all round better person in the future. I just need to give things a little space and time. "For the greater good" and all that.

On my email I have a status because I use Gmail and you can do that apparently.  It currently stands, and has done for a while, as:  

"Take this cup away from me, for I don't want to taste its poison".  

This is a quote from "Jesus Christ, Superstar" as Jesus sings to God about not wanting to have to die, because he doesn't want to. I can't recall exactly why or when I put it up there but I feel like this now. I don't want to make this decision, but I am going to because it's for the best for all parties, even for me in the long run. So, that status is going to change to a quote later on in the song, when Jesus finally agrees that he needs to die:

"I will drink your cup of poison. Nail me to your cross and break me, bleed me, beat me, kill me. Take me now before I change my mind."

God help whoever has me on their Gmail and needs to click to see that...

I thought I should leave a little message at the end here, a message of comfort and support.  For those who don't know, I have started writing a musical and it is something that I wish to continue doing and eventually finish.  I've been writing some of the music recently and one of the songs is nearly finished and, looking back at it, it's near enough a song about me. A song about how I feel so, I thought I should leave a quote from it as a comfort:

"There's always someone more caring or clever, but I'll be a shoulder to cry on whenever you need it"

Stay Strong

Michael

A Time for Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

(Ecclesiastes 3:1-8)

I was asked to draw a graph of my life, featuring major ups and downs, today.  It was an interesting experience but what was most interesting was the discussion afterwards. I've always thought that I had a positive outlook on life, but I will admit that that has been masked somewhat by experiences in the last few months, but whilst speaking in our groups, I realised that there is so much more I could do to stop the immense downs.

Something I've asked an awful lot recently is "Why me?", and "Why is this happening to me?", but today I learned that, maybe, I should ask, "Why not me?" because I am strong.  Everything is a test and we should learn from our downs so that we are prepared for the future.

Another interesting thing I learned was that the most fertile soil is at the foot of a mountain, so things grow better before the mountain climb.  This of course is something I don't just mean literally. We can imagine the mountain as the climb up to your high points in life, but we grow more and understand ourselves more when we're at the foot of the mountain.

"When you climb a mountain, that's only half the journey"

Stay Strong
Michael

And Your Destiny Is...

Does anyone believe in fate, or destiny?  The idea that things happen because they are in a fixed order?  That events are mapped out by the stars or God or a god of some description?

This is a hard question for me to give an answer to.  I believe that we can control our fate.  That's probably the best way to describe it. That there is a pathway that we are following, but it has many forks and we choose which fork to go down.  I don't believe in coincidences. All things happen for a reason. As the saying goes, "If it's meant to be, then it is meant to be".

I've heard that a lot recently, especially from my mother, but it rings true. Things won't happen if they aren't meant to happen.  Even an 'accident' is meant to happen, like if you spill your drink. Next time, you'll know that you should listen to your dad when he tells you not to put the drink on the floor so that, when you stand up, you kick it over.  Life is full of all these tests, and lessons.

As I have said, I don't believe in coincidences.  If things keep happening to you, then there must be a reason, and there are two things you can do about it. Either you act up so that this thing becomes a regular thing in life, to embrace it as being something that needs to happen, or you try and stop this from happening... but it is not for me to tell you which to do. It depends on the situation and whatever or whoever is involved.  I could give a simplistic example...

Say you are a footballer, but you struggle to run fast with the ball. You have two choices. Either you work on that and try to be able to run faster, or you work on other aspects of the game, like passing, so that you don't need to run with the ball.  The first part is really looking at the situation and adapting to it, the other is looking at the situation and adapting away from it.

It's not always easy to which was is best, I know that from personal experience. And sometimes you feel as if you don't control your life, that the odds are staked against and the path of life is overgrown and faded, but it really isn't. I would recommend that everyone goes and researches the poem 'Footprints' by Mary Stevenson, it sort of explains what I'm talking about but in a better way (and it's a poem and poems are great).

Oh...and one more thing. If you're reading this, then obviously fate has brought you here so you really should embrace it.

Stay Strong
Michael

I'm Scared...

I don't know what to do. I've tried writing this for days... weeks even, which is apt considering the topic.

I can't express myself, at all.  I try, I really do. I really want to be able to. It might make me happier, more successful.  Thing is, when I get asked a question, I crumble, the words escape me and I hide.  I hide from the truth because the truth scares me. I'm terrified of my thoughts feelings and emotions because I've seen and experienced how they affect other people, how they affect me.

It doesn't matter how often I play out the conversation in my head, I just can't say the words that I pre-planned.  "Maybe you should put them in a song", I hear you say, but I've tried that.  I've performed songs for people about them, about how I feel for them. I have one on my shelf right now that I wrote ages ago but never performed. The person doesn't know it exists but it's there alright, and I have the urge to perform it now... I want to play it to them, but I can't.

I guess I can be extremely sentimental.  I feel that you can have emotional attachments to objects, songs... most couples have 'a song'.  Whenever I write a song, especially if it's about someone, it will always be about that person, even if situations change.  Whenever I walk around town, different places remind me of different things.  I know it's a bit silly but I could do a guided tour and show you my version of my town. I could show you where a friend spilled a drink, everywhere I've sat with different people and what we talked about, the places I've kissed someone... where I've been dumped. And I look at those places and remember... and cry a little. I never used to cry but I do it a lot more recently.

And I guess that's all I can do to express myself. I can't talk about it, I can't tell people how I feel no matter how much I want to or how much they want me to say it.  The simple things hold the biggest meaning and are hardest to say.  I wish I wasn't like this, but I am. I often wonder what my life would be like if I was more decisive, if I was more selfish... but I can't be because that is not me. Everyone else comes first. Other people's happiness is far more important than my own and I will do anything to make other people happy, even if it means I suffer because something good is around the corner, right? Karma and all that. The idea that good and selfless deeds are rewarded, even if they aren't rewarded until the next life...

Stay Strong
Michael

Lent and Renewing Yourself

The season of Lent is nearly upon us. Many people will be making pancakes on Tuesday in celebration of 'Pancake Day', as it has been commercially dubbed. Shrove Tuesday is the 'proper' term for the day and it marks the last day before Lent when people used to get all their expensive food from their kitchen cupboards and make delicious food out of all of it, such as pancakes.

Lent always starts on Ash Wednesday, named because of the act of placing ashes on the forehead of worshippers as a sign of mourning and repentance of God, and it finishes on Maundy Thursday.  In the Christian tradition it's a time for pray and repentance, and trying to review yourself and get a closer 'friendship' with God. Some people fast, like Jesus did, and see this six-week time period as a test of spiritual strength, much like Jesus and the temptations.  In secular societies, it's a time for giving something up.

What it's hard to get through to people is that there is a reason for the giving up. What it's supposed to do is allow for more time with God, not to help lose a few pounds.  A few years ago at my church we were encouraged to take something new up as a way of exploring and getting a better understanding of the creation that was given to us.  This is something I'd much rather see people doing rather than have them giving up chocolate, or fizzy drinks, or sweets for no other reason than "because it's Lent". Go out their and explore the world and all it's glory. Try a new food, take up a new hobby.

What I'm doing is taking up going to a Lent course. The course I'm going to is called "Season of Renewal".  It looks at taking traditional elements and combining them with a fresh approach and I believe this is something that we can all do.  We can all look at ourselves and see things that need renewing, that need work on.  We can all take something from stepping back and taking a look at every aspect of our lives.

For me, I think what you do during Lent has to be something worthwhile, something that will help you in the long term, something that you can carry on doing after Lent and well past Easter. Yes, I know that, when the end of Lent comes, I will no longer be able to go to the Lent course, but I can take the teachings from it and look at going to more courses that can make me look at the spiritual side of me. If all you're going to do at the end of six-weeks is start eating chocolate again, then that was a waste of six-weeks. So that is why I say take something new up because you will be able to take forward a lot more even if you decide to stop doing this new thing.

And so, I'll leave you with the message on a bookmark that came with my Lent course book:

Lent is a time for...
Loving God more,
Saying sorry,
Finding hope and forgiveness,
Cleaning up our lives and
Making new beginnings.

Stay Strong
Michael

Be Prepared! - Valentine's Plans

It's a week now until Valentine's Day and you have those special arrangements sorted for that special someone, right? No? Why is that?  Can't you be bothered, or do you not have any ideas? Or, like me, don't you have that 'someone'?

I have plans. That's right. Okay, admittedly they do involve me spending the night bashing through some jazz standards on a crummy community hall piano for a bunch of elderly women, but they are plans none the less.

If you were reading this hoping that I might be able to give some good advice, you're probably going to be disappointed.  See, I know the theory behind relationships and dating, but not how to put it into practice. I'm like a painter who knows that blue and yellow mix to make green but, whenever I actually try to make that green, I can never get the perfect green.

Things is, you shouldn't really need to go out and impress the person you're with with fancy meals and flowers and chocolates. They should be impressed by who you are... and they are impressed. I was talking to a friend recently who was saying that they don't think the person they are with was impressed enough by them, that they weren't enough for this person. This person was wrong.  I know the person they are with extremely well and could see that this person meant everything to them.  You don't need fancy flowers, cards or meals... just three simple words that have a lot of meaning and power to them.

I have played for a number of church weddings at my church, and the priest usually mentioned the same phrase every time:

"Tell the person that you love that you love them at least once a day"

It's not profound, witty or even moral based. It's just simple and easy to do. That is a phrase that I live by, and we should all live by. It doesn't matter who that person is, just tell them. It doesn't take long to say those three words, eight letters, five vowels, three consonants... It doesn't need to be that 'special someone' either. Tell your mum, your dad, siblings, friends...

 I love you

Stay Strong
Michael

Role Models

Role models are the people that we look up to, who inspire us and who we... I want to say 'idolise' but I think that's taking it too far.  Many people have 'celebrity' role models. Some of these are based on a chosen field that they are involved in. I know that I have many people who I admire in the field of music, both composers and performers alike. However, I personally think that it is the people that are around us, who we know, that are the best role models.

Parents and teachers are often seen as role models, mainly because they are with us and support us from an early age. We have to trust them for it is they who give us the basis for the rest of our lives.  As far as you know, your primary school teacher may well have been teaching you the alphabet wrongly... but we don't question it. It would be wrong to.

Our friends are probably the greatest role models we can have, because you get to pick them. I'm not saying that we should all give into peer pressure, but I really do have some great friends who inspire me, who are the reason I get up in the morning with a smile on my face no matter what has happened to me. Role models should encourage us, and my friends really do.

One of my closest friends is amazing at this. She doesn't know how much she inspires me with her strength in all the ways that you can judge strength (yes, she has a killer punch... believe me) and no matter what has happened she has been there for me, even when I've been a complete idiot. She has helped me get back to some form of sanity and happiness after the lowest I have been, and I know that I've caused her trouble along the way, but she has stood by me. She's my 'Peter' (that's not her name by the way because that would be a silly name for a girl. In Hebrew, 'Peter' means 'Rock', much like how 'Michael' means 'Who is like the Lord', but that's another story).

I don't see myself as a role model, even though I know I am to some people (a.k.a. idiots).  Even when I entered the 'big year' at my schools and we were told irrefutably that we were role models for the other years, it seemed weird that someone would want to imitate what I did.  I even have my disclaimer at the top of this blog telling people not to do what I do.  But I am a role model.  Numerous people have told me that they want to be able to play piano like me, or that they admire certain aspects of my personality and the thought scares me a little, but I'm learning to embrace it. It's like going first on an assault course. You have no idea what is ahead of you and everyone else is following you and copying your every move, seeing if they can improve upon it when you make a mistake. The only thing being, as the first person, you get all the fun of the experimenting and the challenge of the unexpected.

We are all role models, so let us all take turns in tackling the assault course first one at a time.

And a big THANK YOU to everyone I know. You all inspire me so much with your support, and a special thank you goes out to Kung Fu Panda! (Yes, you know who you are!)

Stay Strong
Michael

Reviewing Reviews

Review:

Noun

1. an examination of something to decide whether changes are necessary
2. a critical assessment of a book, play, etc.
3. a report of an event that has already happened
4. a ceremonial display of military forces

Verb

1. examine or consider something again
2. write a review of

Yes, that seems like a weird beginning to a blog, quoting my newly found little OED at you, but there is a point.  Reviews are judgements or opinions on movies, music, comedians, books... and people.  They can help us make up our minds about things, or prepare us.  Many people will look at reviews for the latest films or games before they watch them or purchase them in order to find out what they are about and how good they are (something that I should I done before I went to see 'Lincoln' the other day. It's a good film but I probably should have read around the subject before going to watch the film).

The point is, we all make judgements and have opinions of things, and they do all conflict. It doesn't matter what it is, there will be differences.  Whether it be the best song, best Disney film, best sport... all of us will have a different idea that we are passionate about, but it doesn't mean that those views are right.  I try and get a balanced view of everything.  It's like when a teacher asks for both sides of the story after a fight. They just want to make a fair and balanced judgement on the situation.  The only problem with this is that the more you know, the harder it becomes to make up your mind.  This is the whole topic for the song entitled "The Fence" by Tim Minchin. He sings about how it is easier to see the difference between two conflicting views if you do sit on the metaphorical fence.

We should all "first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:5) Basically, look at yourself before you judge others. We all have imperfections, flaws, no matter who we are. Practice what you preach. Don't tell someone that they need to 'check their spelling' when your spelling is awful. Don't let the Hypocrisy Hippo enter the room. Maybe then we will all be able to get on a lot better with each other and improve as a race...

So, here's the challenge. Review yourself and send that review to someone you know, then get them to review themselves and do the same. Then write reviews about each other and compare notes. You might learn things about yourself and the other person by doing this. Just make sure you're honest and don't hide things, even if you hate their crooked nose, walking style, or hair style...

Oh... and no self-loathing! (Yes, I know who you are you self-loathers!)

Stay Strong

Michael

The Sacredness of Words

As I have mentioned in this blog before, I think that words are powerful; that the alphabet in every language is sacred. And if the letters themselves are sacred therefore we can conclude that what they make up (i.e. words) are also sacred.

I've been reading a book called "The Book Thief" by Markus Zusak. It's a very good book set in the time of Nazi rule over Germany. Of course, as expected in a book narrated by 'Death' and set in this time, there will be a lot of death and include mentions to the prejudices against Jews and the like however, there is one scene that really upsets me. It's when the Nazis gather up all books that mention Jewish people... and burn them. Why would you do that??? Why would you burn a book???

I don't care what the book is about, you shouldn't burn them at all, under any circumstance. I mean, really? What good does it do? Think of how long it took each author to write that book, to craft their chosen language into a certain way. Then think of the amount of people who have to have read it and liked it in order for it to be published. You might not agree with what the book talks about, but that doesn't mean that, to someone, it is not sacred.  Whether it be The Bible, Harry Potter, The Mr. Men and Little Miss books, Thomas the Tank Engine, The Oxford English Dictionary... even Twilight, those words mean something to someone and you should respect that.

End of the day, what does burning a book achieve? We have the invention of the printing press and, later on, the internet which make these sacred words indestructible.  It's like all those women who would burn their bras when the protested for equality. After the adrenaline of the symbolic moment is over, all you're left with is a pile of ashes and unsupported boobs...

And on that note, I must leave to burn "The Book Thief"...

Stay Strong
Michael