Am I Well?

People ask me if I am well quite a lot at the moment and, to be honest, I have no idea. There are different ways you can measure how well you are and I just don't if I cover those ways well enough.

Adverb

In a good or satisfactory way: "the whole team played well".

I try to do things well. I try my best even though I know that my best isn't always what people want from me, they want more.  At times I do feel like I am not good enough, or that I'm "second-best", that, no matter how much I try, I will never be enough.  I take pride in what I do and create.  There isn't a thing that I do that I don't put my heart into.  I love the feeling after I have written a new song, recorded it and then listened back.  I think I do well at being a friend. I try and make myself available if they need any support or advice with the only desire that they do that in return.

Adjective

In good health; free or recovered from illness.

I think that I am not ill. Yes, I do get the odd problem but nothing major.  I do suffer from headaches a lot and some of that is stress related or related to me over-working myself, which I often do to keep myself occupied or else I think about things that hurt me.  I am relatively healthy. Sure, there are people healthier than I but I have no concern over my physical health. I couldn't run a marathon tomorrow but, then again, I don't want or need to.

Exclamation

Used to express a range of emotions including surprise, anger, resignation, or relief: "Well, really! The manners of some people!"

I need to do this more. I don't express myself because I bottle things up. Partly to protect others. I don't want to hurt people.  I try to deal with things in my head.  This doesn't fully work but I get by.  There are people that I can talk to and I know that, but some things are best kept to myself.  I try to keep myself busy to stop myself thinking by setting myself projects. I have quite a few on at the go currently; exam revision, a musical, a music-based mass setting, a young person's concert.  These all keep my mind focused in an attempt to stop me from thinking... I still think though.

Noun

A shaft sunk into the ground to obtain water, oil, or gas

Umm... I can't even make a joke about this so, let's move on...

Verb

(of a liquid) Rise up to the surface and spill or be about to spill: "tears were beginning to well in her eyes"

They rise and fall and I can't do anything about it. I won't cry in front of people because I'm too proud to do that, but I cry nonetheless.  I have never felt like this before.  Things don't make sense. People get annoyed at me when they ask me how I feel and I just reply "I don't know", but I genuinely don't know. I'm so confused and lost and hurt and broken... and not good enough for anything or anyone.

Am I well?

Stay Strong
Michael